Here I am today, sitting on the seat in front of my computer. But it's not the usual I. It's I who lose my confidence. The confidence which was always shown up in everything I did, until the May 25th. The day I've worried for.
It's started with a wake up call from my mobile, waking me up for a prayer. Then I did it and went to take a bath for a while. I had my breakfast in a rush and went to the High with my parents. I believed that time, I could pass it, I would never disappoint anybody anymore, as my friends inspired me the day before.
The teachers gave me the question sheets, it was science. I read it. I thought about the answers. But then, I found many difficulties. It's over half of all the questions. I was doubt between answering A or B, A or B, A or B, I answered A and the right one was B. I thought of C or D, C or D, C or D, I answered C and the right one was even none of them both. It's A. It happened not only in one question, but more than five. Not only in one subject too, but in all of the subjects that were tested. You had no idea how down I was then.
I don't like being in a hesitancy, it really makes my nerves tensed. Makes my heart beats two times faster. Brings me to the highest level of anxiety. Especially when I am given two similar options. And I know that a fault will be fatal. In that emergency situation, my brain couldn't think rationally instead. And so I make mistakes.That's exactly what happened to me in the last three days. The days I was tested by difficult distracting questions, more by the feeling of my own which I dislike the most.
I knew I couldn't depend on science and social science subjects. But I thought I could depend on math and English, which are usually my best fields. But I was totally wrong. It's even worse than I thought: The questions weren't difficult that nobody could do it, but the questions were deceiving that I might be the only one who wasn't lucky enough to choose the correct answers. I was really in a total confusion.
Then an image of failure flashed suddenly. I aware of mistakes I made more than anybody. I was afraid. I wondered how my parents will be disappointed if I failed the test. Especially my mother. She'd expected me to go there. And she'd wasted so much money only for my education. She believed in me. And so teardrops came out from my eyes unexpectedly in front of my friend. She said that we would study there, we would be in the building again and we would be together again. I was cheered up a little but that even made my feeling worse.
Finally I could manage it and did the next test, but the test was as difficult as the other ones. My hope was fading. I went home and told my mom it was hard for me and I might fail it. I saw her face. A face of weariness, restlessness, and sadness. All in one expression. But then she convinced me (more like convincing herself) again that I could pass it, though my name would be in the bottom.
''There's still an interview,and you have to give your best to ensure the interviewer that you are proper to study there. Just promote yourself,'' she said
Yes I will. I'll try.
After that I went to my English private course. I told my teacher what I told others. And she said that I was crazy. A clever girl like me must be accepted there. It's easy for her to say so 'cause she didn't know how bad my feeling was. I felt a bad omen.
The announcement will be announced on June 12th, that means two weeks of uncertainty. Two weeks full of worry. My teacher suggested me to take a rest and having fun. But could I? I still concern about the result because it really relates to my future. I couldn't imagine how days will be spent with anxious, worried, and uncertain feeling without doing anything.
I am tortured like this.
SMA NEGERI 1 BOGOR, wait me!
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